its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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