Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
