I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
