he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
