textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
