I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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