You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
