R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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