i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
