do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
