my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
