and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
