Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
