I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
