Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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