Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
