dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
