U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
