I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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