Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
