I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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