i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
