now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
