Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
