i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
