i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
