Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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