Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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