i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
