Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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