you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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