If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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