Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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