he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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