Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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