Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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