I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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