I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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