What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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