I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
