She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
