what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
