There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
