the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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