I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
