thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
