her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
