tell your sister to shave her snatch
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
