i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
