Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
